Lessons 25 Taught Me
Strength is not always in the holding on. Sometimes the letting go takes everything you have, all the gumption you can muster. Afterwards, when you are depleted, exhausted, and entirely destroyed, the world will keep turning. No one is obligated to wait for you. Your friends will still get married, your boss will still nag you, people will still be too busy to reach out to you, your family will still expect you to be whole when you are shattered, curled up into yourself, deep in your self loathing, wondering when the universe will relent.
It will take an astonishing amount of time for things to get easier. As long as you think it will take, it will take twice as long, and then even more time will pass before you recognize the woman looking back at you each morning as you forget to brush your teeth because you’ve woken up late for work for the third day in a row. You will forget how you functioned before you were broken, because you are not that woman right now — you’ve always been a fighter, always held your own. You are the person others turn to for light when they are in the dark, but you are just not that person right now.
It will take an astonishing amount of time to understand its okay to not be yourself for a while. “A while” will come to a close.
Depression manifests itself in different, dangerous ways. Sometimes it’s in the form of ceaseless self-doubt, which turns into putrid self loathing. After being so sure for so long, these thoughts feel like they must be true. The notion that you’re not enough does not go away overnight. You have to fight and fight and fight to remember you’re doing your best; surround yourself with people who love and build you up; don’t suffer alone. Strength is in knowing you need help, in taking the expectations your loved ones have for you and canning them instead of pretending to meet them. Strength is choosing to show those who think you are an impermeable dam that your locks are cracked, flawed and leaking after the hurricane. Your tears as fat as tidal waves — too many water based natural disaster metaphors but literally, you’ve never cried this much in your life.
While you’re crying and you’re sad, find it in yourself to be grateful for the experience, grateful for the emotions, and most of all — appreciate the people who are waiting for you on the other side. Your friends are watching you spiral and they’re waiting for you to come back to earth. They will take you to brunch on their birthday and say it’s for you too; they’ll let you come over and sleep in their bed while they watch Parks and Rec; they will stand in stoic solidarity with you, understanding your struggle. They will remind you now more than ever that you are loved, and that it’s okay to be spiraling but when you’re done, they will take your hand and love you just the same. There is nothing more pure and beautiful than a friendship that withstands your mental absence, than love without conditions. Do not forget to thank them when you’re able to.
You will learn to give second chances to those who deserve it. The world isn’t only ganging up on you. She’s busy throwing other people off kilter as well. Acknowledge and move on. Solid friendships are like tides, coming and going but always at the shore.
You will also learn when to cut the negative people from your life. People who constantly place blame on others, take no responsibility for their actions and bringing only misery to the table have no place at yours. If they make no attempt to see your struggle and only act as victims, it is time for them to go. Not all losses are losses. You are not evil for cutting the darkness from your life, it is an act of self care. Be around those who choose to bring you light without consequence or circumstance. Be around those who have nothing to gain from your existence, but appreciate it anyway.
Heartbreak does not get easier the more times you experience it — if anything, it gets worse. That pain in your diaphragm, that hollowness in your chest, it’s permanent. It will only subside from time to time but that’s a part of you now, a chapter in your story. Don’t run away from it. Don’t be ashamed to be hurt. Revel in it, but remember that loving yourself comes first. You WILL love again, and at some point you’ll get it right. The hollowness won’t roar and the pain won’t sear, and your heart will know that soaring feeling again. Be patient.
If you are unhappy with your current situation, you and only you have the power to change it. Take the leap. If you’re scared, do it anyway. You can’t wait for the universe to hand you a grand gesture. You won’t get a sign that the time is right. If you are not satisfied and you are not working to change it, then you forfeit your right to complain about it. If you are able, get up and DO something. Actions speak volumes. Speak your actions into existence if you have to. Plan ahead and figure it out.
Settle for absolutely nothing. Know what you deserve, and keep aiming to crush your goals.
Remember this: at the end of it all — the doubt, the stress, the pain, the sadness — you are still the person you’ve always been. You still laughed all year long, and met amazing people and accomplished innumerable things, fighting all the while. You didn’t just survive, you succeeded. Imagine what you can do when you shed the negativity and come into your own? It’s going to be a beautiful thing.
To 26.
